His Thoughts
by sir katherine
Summary: Numair's point of view in that famously over done chapter in Realms of the Gods. Here's my version


He thought she was dead. And he couldn't bear it. Daine, his precious Daine was gone. He kept repeating those word in his mind and was paralyzed by their meaning. But then he heard her whisper, so faint he almost wouldn't let himself believe it. "Numair," it said again, "please, are you alright?"

"You—your alive. I thought…" It was too much. There was nothing better in all the realms, Daine was alive.

"I hurt too much to be dead." Numair swept her up into the fiercest hug as she joked and was too relived to think. He stroked her hair, holding her close and wanting to hold her and protect her forever. Then Daine was looking up into his face. Her beautiful eyes were alive and her beautiful lips. He couldn't help himself, he had sworn to himself he would not do this to her. But he kissed her. He didn't mean for it to happen even as it did. But it was sweet bliss and he couldn't stop himself.

_This has to stop now,_ he told himself a couple times before he could bring himself to pull away. _What am I doing_, Numair finally thought, which brought him up. He didn't want to hurt her, he knew he wouldn't be able to bear it if he hurt her.

But then Daine was pulling him back. "No," she whispered and his resolve flew into the wind. He was more gentle this time. It was still bliss to kiss her and have her in his arms and he let himself be comforted from the shock and fear of the moments before. She was alive and that mattered far more than anything else.

When Numair realized that Daine was almost swaying, he gently pulled away and picked her up. _She probably shouldn't be standing anyway_, he thought as he found a rock that could serve as a bench.

"Goddess bless. Magelet, I thought I'd lost you." He tucked a stray hair behind her ear. She needed to rest and he needed to think. This could never happen again, Numair told himself. Maybe she would forget about it, or she would just write it off as the effects of stress. Whatever happened he had to conceal his overwhelming love for his student. It wouldn't be fair to her.

But Numair knew it would be harder than ever. She could never be made to love him, she _should_ never be made to love him. Because she could never really be happy that way. Oh, he knew he could charm her and dazzle her into thinking herself in love but he would kill himself before hurting her like that. Daine deserved better than anything he could give her and it killed him.

In the last six and half months since the man had discovered his love for his student, he had calculated over and over exactly how many years were between them. Nuamir knew how old he was when she was born and how old he would be when she was thirty. He knew her age when he had been escaping Cathark and when he had noticed his first grey hair. He knew how young she had been when he'd had his first kiss and the first time he'd been with a girl. Daine deserved better.

But he couldn't help loving her so much. She was so wonderful. When he realized that she was asleep, Numair gathered his sweet Daine up in his arms and asked the darkings to help him find cover from the rising sun. He thought he couldn't love his student any more and then she snuggled closer and wrapped and arm around his neck. And she could never be his.

A couple hours and many stern scoldings to himself later, Numair was dozing as Leaf and Jelly watched the soup. It was Jelly who woke him when it was done and he realized that Daine was awake too. He blushed and tried to avoid eye contact.

"How in the name of Shakith did you find me?" was naturally the first thing out of her mouth, since it was the last thing he want to tell her.

The mage tried to make light of it. "It was merely a simple magic, Daine—"

"Mouse manure," she cut him off. "D'you think I've lived all this time with mages without knowing what it takes to find somebody _and_ go to them?"

She had a point. "I had a focus," Numair mumbled hoping she wouldn't hear right. He'd gotten a miniature picture of his student to put in a small locket months ago. It gave him something to hold at night and he could gaze at her unembarrassed when he was alone. A little while later he'd managed to get a hold of a lock of hair and he put it in the locket.

"A focus?" Daine sat up straight. "Something of mine to connect us?"

"Yes—and I'm glad I had it," Numair said, clearly defensive. But he couldn't look at her as he said it.

"Yes—but—may I see it?"

Numair hesitated but he knew there was nothing he could do but show her. He made the bracelet and locket reappear on his wrist then unclip and drop into her outstretched hand. Numair watched the girl as she examined the picture and locket. He saw her confusion and needed to say something to fill the void. "I thought you might laugh if I asked you to sit for a portrait. The painting was done by Volney Rain. The hair I got when you were delirious with unicorn fever six months ago."

When he had the locket back, Numair got up to stop himself from rambling and revealing too much. He saw the soup and made towards it as if that had been his intention all along.

"Here, you need to eat," the mage said, handing her a bowl. He sat again as she blew on a spoonful to cool it.

"What happened to you? What about those rock things?"

"They carried me off. I used my Gift to shield myself, but it took them some time to learn that I was the source of their pain. Once they did, they fled. When I returned to the Chaos vent, and realized that you had gone over the cliff—" he couldn't go on. Numair had been so afraid. He remembered fumbling for the locket and almost dropping it in his haste before calming himself enough to do the magic required to find her.

"You can thank a number of trees and a deep part of the river that I'm reasonably alive." Daine _would_ be able to joke about it. He couldn't help smiling at her. Then she started inching over till she was leaning on his shoulder with his arm around her. Having the love of his life so near was too much for him.

"Your trembling," Daine murmured.

"I'm only tired." He was lying. Maybe she would believe him. "I used my entire Gift to reach you."

"You shouldn't have. You need it to defend yourself, and we still have to reach the Sea of Sand."

Numair still went cold at the thought of her danger the night before. "If I'd lost you and kept my power, I would hate myself. Eventually magic returns, even after a draining. I had no way of knowing if _you_ would."

Daine looked up and smiled into his face. "It would take more than falling off a cliff to keep me from you." She melted his heart, and somehow they were kissing again. It was harder than before to pull away.

"I'd hoped you felt that way," Numair heard himself say. But then he was kissing her again. When he did manage to stop, the mage sighed. "I should look at you cuts."

Daine sat up and he didn't realize what she was doing till he glanced up and her shirt was almost off.

"Daine!" he cried shocked.

"What?"

"You— We aren't— You should be clothed!"

"I've a breast band on, dolt. Besides, this shirt's in shreds. Like the rest of me."

She was right. And she did have some nasty scratches on her back. But… "It just doesn't seem right. I feel that I'm… taking advantage of your innocence. A man of my—years, and reputation—" Oh gods, we cannot be having this conversation, Numair thought.

"'Taking advantage of?' And what reputation?" Daine spat out.

"You of all people should know that I've been involved with ladies of the court." Numair knew he was bright red by this time.

"What has that to do with the price of peas in Persopolis?"

How could she not see it. "It's easy for an experienced man to delude a young woman into believing herself in love with him. It's the basest kind of trickery, even when the man does not intend it."

"Do you love me or not?"

That startled him. Of course I love you. I love you more than I can say, he thought.

"That is not the topic under discussion." Numair was trying to evade the question. He started digging through the packs looking for Sarra's ointment to be doing something. Till he noticed the darkings bringing to him and remembered taking it out earlier. Daine had taken her shirt completely off and the angry welts on her back made him feel bad about worrying over decency.

He was just beginning to smooth the cream over her shoulders when Daine startled him again.

"We're not talking about love? What are we talking of, then? Canoodling?"

"Daine!" he cried hurt. "Is that what you think I want? Sex?" Of course he did want that, but he wanted so much more. It was the thought that she might believe he just wanted to use her that hurt so much.

"Isn't is?" Daine asked she took off her breaches.

_Does she really believe that of me? _Numair wondered trying to avert his eyes. She was only in a breast band and loincloth now.

Finally he met her eyes and saw her confusion. What could he say that would make it right?

Then he saw comprehension dawn on her face. She grabbed his left wrist. "You're in love with me?"

He looked away.

"Love's fair wondrous. Where's the harm?"

"I was 'canoodling' as you so charmingly put it when you were four. You're so young, Daine. I knew that if I spoke, you might think yourself in love with me; you might ma—" he stopped. He shouldn't have been saying things like that. She might get ideas.

"Marry? Marry you?"

There was nothing he wanted more than to marry her. But he knew that his dreams of holding her forever wouldn't be fair to her. "One day you'd turn to me and see an old man. You'd want a young one." He moved out of the shelter towards the river.

When Numair had finally realized on Midwinter that he loved Daine, he know instantly that it was unlike anything he'd ever felt before. He'd been with plenty of women, and even been in love with a few of them, but they were not Daine. He knew he would love her forever, she wasn't the type of girl anyone could get over in a hurry. She was so much more than anyone he'd ever been interested in before. She could light up an entire room with her smile and was more caring, sweet and generous than anyone he'd ever met. And yet she was also realistic and could met him on his own terms. He'd never been so completely open with anyone, and it didn't scare her, like so many others. She understood and accepted him.

Numair hear a clatter of rocks and looked up to watch Daine approach him. "Can't we just go on as we have" she asked. "This is a fair weight to solve when things are so—mad."

"That's certainly true," he answered.

"I know I love you. Maybe I always have—"

"Which is what I was afraid of." He didn't want to be with her if he was deluding her. She ignored him.

"Once we're home—once the war's done—we can work it out. We'll talk then."

Numair stood to look her more carefully. "Indeed we will." He didn't think he would be able to stop himself from kissing her though.


End file.
